Even after my sister and I were grown, my mother still went to a lot of trouble over Christmas gifts. From my grandpa, she'd inherited a love of garage sales and bargain buys, and she'd always do at least some of her shopping that way, trying to match her finds to our personalities. I got all kinds of different knick-knacks and gadgets over the years, from a tiny green chair magnet with an even tinier copy of
The Catcher in the Rye in the seat to an appliance created solely for the purpose of baking frozen pizzas evenly.
The longer I lived away from home, the harder it was for Mom to find a gift that fit who I was, or who I was becoming. I suppose the truth is she just didn't know me well enough to do that anymore. The year I got the second-hand sweater with the Scottish golfer on the chest, a piece of clothing I couldn't even wear ironically, I probably should have realized it was a sign we needed to spend more time together, talk a little more, get to know each other over again. But I just figured this was what happened as you got older and moved away and your Mom still tried to buy you Christmas presents.
I never let on that I didn't love that sweater -- which I still have, by the way, and still visit in the downstairs coat closet when I'm thinking about Mom -- but I could see she sensed my confusion anyway. I think it must have stuck with her, because that next year she went on nothing short of a Christmas present mission. I don't know how many garage sales, pawn shops, or bargain stores she must have hunted through, hoping to uncover that perfect gift, but I'm sure it was plenty. I only wish I could tell her now how much I appreciate the effort.
At some point, after she'd picked up and put down any number of Chicago Cubs bobble-heads and drinking glasses with golf balls attached to the base, the answer must have dawned on her. There was one interest that had remained constant throughout my life: I had always been a reader. But even here, she must have found she had no idea what sort of books I'd favor, because she called me up and made me dictate a list of titles I wanted but didn't own. She wasn't taking any chances. This year she was going to get me something I really wanted, surprises be damned.
But that wasn't how my mother worked. She couldn't just say damn the surprises. She believed too much in serendipity, chance, fortune, and, most of all, magic. She set out to buy me exactly the books I wanted, and she did buy a couple of them, but while she was in the bookstore, flipping through
Selected Stories by Andres Dubus and
The Art of Fiction by John Gardner, trying to learn a thing or two about her grown son through the reading that interested him, a stranger came up to her, an older man.
Here you need to know something about Mom. Strangers loved to talk to her. She had this warm appeal that's really hard to put into words, and ten minutes after she arrived at any public place, someone would have already pulled her into a deep conversation. And she loved it, loved people and their stories.
And that's what happened with this man. He was a writer, and I imagine he saw her flipping through these books that usually only a writer would pick up and asked her about them. Then she probably told him her son was a writer, which at that point would have been a bit of a stretcher. But here's the thing: as soon as I called myself a writer that's how she saw me, even before I'd ever published a word.
From there, who knows what Mom and this writer fellow talked about -- she had a way of drawing people out and learning about their lives, so if I had to guess, I'd say he told her more than he expected he would -- but eventually the talk returned to me. This would have delighted her. Mom always bragged on me far more than I ever deserved.
In any case, she must have told the man I lived in Missouri, and that's when he took her over to the TRAVEL ESSAYS section and began to tell her about this
Blue Highways book by a William Least Heat-Moon. He -- the writer fellow -- said from what it sounded like, this was the book was for me. And then, on a torn scrap of envelope, he wrote a little note wishing me good luck in my writing and inviting me to contact him -- here he added his phone number -- when I'd finished
Blue Highways.
This was exactly the brand of magic Mom believed in all her life. She bought that book, along with the ones I'd asked for, and then tucked the man's note inside as an added bonus.
Fast forward to Christmas Day. I open my gift and of course I'm genuinely thrilled to get the books I picked out for myself. Then I ask about this other book,
Blue Highways, the one I hadn't asked for,
and my mom tells me the story about the writer in the bookstore. She points out the note sticking up out of the pages like a bookmark. I tried to pretend I saw the magic in this encounter, I swear I did. I even made a comment to the effect that the book was somehow
meant for me. It was one of those things we say for the people we love. In truth, I kind of thought
Blue Highways looked a little hokey.
You can't imagine how selfish and clueless I could be at the point in my life. I wanted what I wanted, and what I wanted was all that made me happy. The rest was an afterthought. Over the next five or six years I got about as much use out of my copy of
Blue Highways as I got out of my favorite golf sweater. Meanwhile, I read Dubus and Gardner to shreds and thanked Mom for buying them again and again.
I'm sure it made her happy to be thanked. But it would have made her happier for me to tell her about
Blue Highways and relive that interesting bookstore encounter. I never did that.
Over a period, though, I changed, matured, began to find value where I'd never found it before. I got married, became a teacher. I lost my mom, had a daughter. Grew up and started to care more about people and their stories, the landscape around me. After Mom died, I would occasionally go over to
Blue Highways on the bookshelf, pick it up and read a few pages, remembering the story of how Mom ended up buying it for me. As I read further into it each time, I began to see that those things it was about -- small towns and their people; real American character, for better or worse; and the erosion of heritage -- were things I had begun to grow deeply interested in myself.
I started to believe the one book my mother bought me that interested me the least at the time might turn out to be the one that would matter to me most in the end. One reason I never sat and read it all the way through was that it was hard to remember why I'd put it off. It was just one small selfish thing I'd done in my life, but it stuck with me.
Meanwhile, the book called to me more and more. I started to believe not in the magic of it coming to me, exactly, but in something close to that. For Mom's sake, I'm going to go ahead and call it magic anyway.
So I've finally been reading
Blue Highways all the way through these last few weeks, fascinated by the characters William Least Heat-Moon encounters on the backroads of our country, and charmed by the sly humor and the boldness of the whole adventure. The encounters and conversations he has with strangers remind me so much of my mother's talent for drawing out people she'd just met. And for me to read the book at a time when I'm trying to put together a literary journal around the very kinds of Americana that get discovered on backroads trips -- well, if it isn't magic, then it's still incredible that such a sequence of events would end with me reading this book at exactly the right time.
I wish I could tell my mom how much
Blue Highways -- a book she was so proud to have discovered for me -- is meaning to me right now, to let her know that it was a much better Christmas gift than I deserved. Maybe tell her a little about the things I've learned from it.
Second best would be to call that writer from my home town who suggested it and have that chat he wanted, tell him,
You were right. Seven or eight years later, this is the book for me. But the torn piece of envelope with his number on it was lost a long time ago by a foolish kid with no sense of what things are worth.
So I guess this is me doing what writers do when they can't say something to the person they want to say it to. I'm saying it to as many other people as I can, to anybody who will listen.